What's Left To Lose?

Have you ever been in a situation where you have this one big thing that you dread happening? The one thing that you think to yourself if it happened everything would fall apart, your world would be upside down and you don't know how you would be okay?

I think we all have something, or at least something similar. 

Well this thing happened to me. A while ago now, perhaps almost a year.. And it wasn't as bad as I thought. I had nightmares, I was completely alone, isolated and miserable.... For a while... But things slowly picked up. No, I slowly picked up. I realised that what had happened was the best thing that could have happened. I was a much, much stronger person. I was more me than I'd ever been. I was free and hopeful and happy. 

My "worst" situation had happened and I'd not only survived but come out the other side better and happier than before. I'd lost a lot but I'd gained a lot in myself.

And then it happened again. Not exactly the same... Not as intense but again. All over again it felt like everything was shattering down around me. This time wasn't as catastrophic as the last but it's been much, much more damaging. 

None of this is in reference to a break up and I don't want sympathy or anything similar, I just need a place to get my thoughts straight. 

This time I feel like I've not only lost everything from the past but everything from the new, happy, hopeful life I'd been building. Even though it's an insane generalisation I do honestly feel like my hope as been taken. I had worked so, so hard to get back to being a person who could let themselves hope for good things to happen and not live in constant fear that it would be taken away by someone. After all, my past was in the past, right? I was free now. I was free to be me and to be happy and to want things and strive for things but it turns out I wasn't exactly. 

I had one huge symbol of hope and achievement that I was working towards. Something to symbolise that I was free from not only living how other people wanted me to but living in fear of them. And then it was taken away. But not taken away by unfortunate circumstances or uncontrollable events. But from someone who I never, ever, in a million years thought would do something like that.

Someone who I'd even confided in about how terrified I was and how poorly I was treated before and how happy I was to not live like that - to have my life as my own. Now It feels like it's all happening again by someone I'd trusted with my past. Will I ever get to have my life without someone else choosing how it goes? Without someone else taking my hope?

I am literally scared to have the prospect of good things happening to me or in my life because every time they have, they have been taken away. Usually by someone I've trusted. 

I am angry. No, I am beyond angry. Sometimes the memory of it will just creep into my mind unexpectedly and if I let myself think about it I will start shaking with anger. Party at these people for what's happened, but mostly at myself for letting it happen. Especially again. I knew better. I know better... But I'm too scared to do anything about it.

But now I'm stuck. I'm stuck in this odd mind frame. I lost 'everything' and built back up but then I lost everything I built back up. What's left to lose?

I've lost what I had hoped for. My idea of being free, happy and hopeful. Not only because I lost my huge symbolic gesture of expressing it but I've lost the energy to keep trying for it. It will only be taken away again, right? That's the pattern.

So now I'm back. I'm right back at the start. I'm alone, isolated, miserable and now hopeless.

I've had a headache for two weeks and counting, I struggle to leave the house because I get panic attacks out of no where, I cannot sleep without having nightmares about people and I constantly feel like I'm either going to faint or vomit. 

I don't think they realise what they've taken from me. I don't think anyone really does, all they see is the symbol. But something like this is something I can't seem to forgive. 

I have no one. And I really don't trust anyone either. How sad that a laptop is quite literally all I can confide in to try to sort out my thoughts. 

Understanding Anxiety and Panic Attacks (Plus 6 Tips)

Hello! 

Anxiety is something that a lot of people struggle with and a lot of people don’t properly understand.

Experiencing anxiety is not simply feeling nervous or worried about an upcoming event, starting a new job or presenting a speech. It is completely natural (and helpful) to feel nervous about those sorts of things. It helps us perform at our best.

Anxiety can be unpredictable and strikes at times when it’s not needed and will not benefit you. It can cause someone to experience a panic attack about anything from situations as stated above or simple things like catching a bus, talking to people or even leaving the house. Someone who is experiencing a panic attack will not just be feeling ‘nervous’ they will be feeling anything from heart palpitations, rapid heartbeat, shortness of breath, chest pain, nausea, feeling of choking, trembling/shaking, dizziness, chills or heat sensations, sweating, numbness/tingling to the fear of dying.

Sometimes the person will know what triggers the panic attacks and will avoid that particular thing or place but a lot of the times people will have no idea what will trigger their panic attacks, which can leave them never really feeling safe to go anywhere for fear that a panic attack will strike.

Having a panic attack is a truly terrifying experience. There are people who have shown up to hospitals thinking they’re having a heart attack while experiencing a panic attack. They are not to be brushed off or taken lightly. They can seriously impact someone’s life and make them feel completely isolated.

However, if you or someone you know are experiencing anxiety there are definitely things you can do to help you to manage it and get it under control.

   1.  Speak To A Professional

This can include a doctor, psychologist, counsellor or behavioural therapist. They will definitely be able to help you, and if you feel like they’re not taking you seriously, understanding or helping please go and find someone else. It may take a few different people to find someone who you will click with and who you will feel comfortable with. A counsellor will mostly talk things through with you, which some people find helpful. But if just talking about things isn’t helping you, a psychologist/behavioural therapist is a good idea. Teamed with your doctor they can work out what road would be best for you. A behavioural therapist will work through active ways and things you can do to best control and overcome your anxiety.

 2.  Understand What’s Happening To Your Body

When experiencing a panic attack it is very, very easy to convince yourself there is something seriously wrong. Because your body is giving all the symptoms that something IS seriously wrong. But understanding why these symptoms are occurring can help to rationalise what is happening and calm you down. Your heart will beat faster due to the adrenaline going through your body which, which will make your body work harder to prepare itself for threat, which will increase your breathing and then you start to feel light headed and nauseous and it all just jumbles into one horrible feeling of terribleness. Your entire body will respond to the adrenaline. But if you can feel this start to come on and remind yourself that you’re not actually having a heart attack or dying, it is the adrenaline pumping through your body it can help to reassure you that you will be okay.

 3. BREATHING TECHNIQUES

I’ve put this in capitals because this is an important one to remember. Being able to control your breathing can be a huge help to you when you feel a panic attack coming on. (I for one absolutely hated when anyone would tell me to ‘breath’ when I was in the midst of a panic attack) but they have good reason for it. It is not possible to have a panic attack when you are breathing normally. Once you have controlled your breathing, everything else will start to calm down too. You wont magically stop worrying and be instantly cured of all the horrible thoughts BUT your body will start to calm down. Everything will start to work at it’s proper rate when you bring your breathing back to normal. I repeat: you cannot have a panic attack when your breathing is regular.

 4. Be Kind To Yourself

One of the most important things is not to beat yourself up about not being able to do things that other people might find easy because of your anxiety. You are not crazy, you’re not being ‘over dramatic’ or ‘stupid’, you’re not anything bad that you might be thinking you are. So many people struggle with anxiety, you are not alone and there are people who will be there for you and who will want to help.

5. Reward Yourself For The Small Things

A lot of the time doing something simple like going to the grocery store, getting your hair cut, catching a bus is a huge deal when you’re struggling with anxiety. Whatever it is that you find difficult to do, make sure you give yourself recognition and praise when you DO manage to do it despite how absolutely terrified you are. Because doing something when you’re that afraid is most definitely something to be proud of, no matter how ‘simple’ it may seem to everyone else. You have the right to be beyond chuffed at yourself. Doing these things more and more will help build your confidence.

6.  Don’t Give Up

This seems corny but it’s true. It is highly likely that you will try and it will feel like a ‘one step forward, two steps back’ situation. Where you will get frustrated and feel like it’s not ever going to get better. But it will, so long as you keep going. Once you have strategies in place and a plan of action you will feel much more in control. Anything in life is easier when you have the right tools to deal with the situation and anxiety is no different.

This is just a very broad overview and quite general tips. There are also tips of things you can do while having a panic attack and a lot more information on the kinds of therapies and how they work that I wanted to go into but this post is already quite long! I hope something in here was even a little helpful for someone and if by any chance you have any questions do feel free to ask!

x