What's Left To Lose?

Have you ever been in a situation where you have this one big thing that you dread happening? The one thing that you think to yourself if it happened everything would fall apart, your world would be upside down and you don't know how you would be okay?

I think we all have something, or at least something similar. 

Well this thing happened to me. A while ago now, perhaps almost a year.. And it wasn't as bad as I thought. I had nightmares, I was completely alone, isolated and miserable.... For a while... But things slowly picked up. No, I slowly picked up. I realised that what had happened was the best thing that could have happened. I was a much, much stronger person. I was more me than I'd ever been. I was free and hopeful and happy. 

My "worst" situation had happened and I'd not only survived but come out the other side better and happier than before. I'd lost a lot but I'd gained a lot in myself.

And then it happened again. Not exactly the same... Not as intense but again. All over again it felt like everything was shattering down around me. This time wasn't as catastrophic as the last but it's been much, much more damaging. 

None of this is in reference to a break up and I don't want sympathy or anything similar, I just need a place to get my thoughts straight. 

This time I feel like I've not only lost everything from the past but everything from the new, happy, hopeful life I'd been building. Even though it's an insane generalisation I do honestly feel like my hope as been taken. I had worked so, so hard to get back to being a person who could let themselves hope for good things to happen and not live in constant fear that it would be taken away by someone. After all, my past was in the past, right? I was free now. I was free to be me and to be happy and to want things and strive for things but it turns out I wasn't exactly. 

I had one huge symbol of hope and achievement that I was working towards. Something to symbolise that I was free from not only living how other people wanted me to but living in fear of them. And then it was taken away. But not taken away by unfortunate circumstances or uncontrollable events. But from someone who I never, ever, in a million years thought would do something like that.

Someone who I'd even confided in about how terrified I was and how poorly I was treated before and how happy I was to not live like that - to have my life as my own. Now It feels like it's all happening again by someone I'd trusted with my past. Will I ever get to have my life without someone else choosing how it goes? Without someone else taking my hope?

I am literally scared to have the prospect of good things happening to me or in my life because every time they have, they have been taken away. Usually by someone I've trusted. 

I am angry. No, I am beyond angry. Sometimes the memory of it will just creep into my mind unexpectedly and if I let myself think about it I will start shaking with anger. Party at these people for what's happened, but mostly at myself for letting it happen. Especially again. I knew better. I know better... But I'm too scared to do anything about it.

But now I'm stuck. I'm stuck in this odd mind frame. I lost 'everything' and built back up but then I lost everything I built back up. What's left to lose?

I've lost what I had hoped for. My idea of being free, happy and hopeful. Not only because I lost my huge symbolic gesture of expressing it but I've lost the energy to keep trying for it. It will only be taken away again, right? That's the pattern.

So now I'm back. I'm right back at the start. I'm alone, isolated, miserable and now hopeless.

I've had a headache for two weeks and counting, I struggle to leave the house because I get panic attacks out of no where, I cannot sleep without having nightmares about people and I constantly feel like I'm either going to faint or vomit. 

I don't think they realise what they've taken from me. I don't think anyone really does, all they see is the symbol. But something like this is something I can't seem to forgive. 

I have no one. And I really don't trust anyone either. How sad that a laptop is quite literally all I can confide in to try to sort out my thoughts. 

Change

Hi

I'm sure you're aware that as we get older we naturally change. Sadly, yourself and those around you won't all change at the same rate. This can be a little hard to accept.

I've found recently that I'm at a point in my life where I just don't have the energy to put into things that shouldn't need it. For a while I wondered why I was so disconnected from the people around me lately and what had happened to everyone. Turns out, they're all pretty much the same but I've (for a while, unknowingly) changed. A lot.

Change is good and you can't avoid it. But sometimes you change in a way that takes you from those around you.

I found the hard way that I had people in my life who were just not good for me. I didn't realise this until I'd started getting a little more confident in myself, realising what I wanted and standing up for myself. These people were quite cruel to me; controlling and unkind. But I'd been around these people for so long that I honestly didn't realise how cruel they were being until I decided to stand up for myself. Then it hit me. I was always anxious, waiting for them to be cruel. Waiting for the moment they would turn. I just never knew if I was going to get 'nice' them or 'mean' them and it was horrible. I didn't want to live my life like that, even if it meant losing my friends.

I'm not going to lie, change can be lonely. I probably feel more isolated now than ever before, and I'm still waiting for the day that I'll get horrible messages of anger towards me for distancing myself.

But I'm not okay with that being my life anymore.

Sometimes you have to break down before you can build yourself back up.  All you can do is know that in the long run you're doing what's best for you, even if it's tough now.

Life Update & Some Cheeky Memes

Hi

I've been absent for a little while - Uni has gone back and everything has gotten busier than ever. Which is pretty darn' good. It's nice to have a lot going on, especially since some of it is pretty good! While there has been a few struggles with family members health and a few others things I would mostly like a place to share the good things that have been happening! 

Firstly I've been seeing a lot more of my friends lately. I can be quite a solitary person at times, I like to sit in my own little bubble at home but it's been absolutely lovely to be seeing people who I definitely don't see enough and laughing until I feel physically sick. Whether this be going out for dinner, seeing movies, planning trips or even just sitting on the couch in track pants watching reality tv shows. I'd forgotten how nice it is to just make time to be around people.

More good news - my little Toby pup finally got to take the cone of shame off his head. He's now able to pick up all his toys and throw them all around my room again (yaay). His foot is slowly getting better and tomorrow him and I are heading to my parents place for a weekend visit, which will be nice. My bed at their place is the most comfortable thing in the world so there's a 85% chance I'm just going to spend the whole time there napping.

Above are some silly internet/tv things that have been popping into my head and making me laugh as I go about my day to day life lately, so I thought I'd post them here. I keep pulling the McDonalds girl pose whenever I'm mildly annoyed at something and it's starting to become a problem. I look ridiculous.

Lastly, I've met some pretty great people recently. So here is to all the good things happening right now and hoping they continue. 

I hope you are well and that all good things come your way!

x

Photo Diary (Target Shooting and Pink Hair?!)

Hey Hey!

I thought for this post I may do a little photo diary/snapshot of the past week or so. I love seeing other people's posts like this (because I'm incredibly nosy that way) and thought I'd join in and do something similar just in case there's one other nosy person out there who may enjoy!

This weekend I grabbed my little dog Toby and we travelled three hours north of where I live to visit my parents for the weekend. Most of the weekend was spent doing more sentimental personal things with the family but on Sunday afternoon Dad and I drove out to a farm near by and did some target shooting. 

The day was absolutely beautiful and I managed to pretty much completely miss the target as it kept blowing over. Admittedly having to walk for ages to stand it up again then turn around and see it's been blown right back over does ruin the fun slightly. I have found that some people find this quite an odd thing to do, my Dad does some gun smithing so it's never been odd to me but I find it's not something that everyone takes part in. However, it is lots of fun, I definitely don't hurt animals and who doesn't want to pretend they have a machine gun even if it's only a 22? There is a video of this but I look like an absolute goober so I may pretend that doesn't exist!

The rest of my week has been filled with boring things such as work and exam study. I got my little Toby-Pup a toy box for all his toys and let me tell you: There is nothing cuter than seeing a little dog pick out a toy from a toy box to play with. Unfortunately Toby has a skin infection on his food at the moment so I'm having to jam antibiotics down his throat twice a day for two weeks. He is not loving me for it. Whenever I go to pat him he gets up and moves to the other side of my bed. A little rude if you ask me!

My last exam is on the 2nd of July (two days) and I am so terribly nervous but insanely excited for it to be over and done with so I can breath easily and not feel guilty whenever I'm doing something that isn't studying (which is most of the time including now). 

And last but certainly not least is something I've been tempted to try out with my hair. Which is this:

I've always wanted colourful hair but I've either not been allowed by my parents when I was 14 or I've been far too chicken to actually do it now that I'm 23. But this one washes out extremely fast and the ends of my hair are already lightened:

So I feel as if now may be the time to be the cool kid I always wanted to be and try it out - even if it is just for a day!

Maybe I'll dye my hair and eat pizza as a celebration when my exam is over? Wow. Look at me, living it up.

Slow down Katie, you crazy.

I hope you're well and if you too post any 'photo diary' kind of posts let me know so I can stalk you!

x

Brighten Your Day: Quotes and Kindness

Hi

So sometimes we can get a little glum, lose motivation or have our doubts about the genuine nature about those around us. It can (on occasion) only take something very small to ruin your day, or put you in a terrible mood. 

I am a huge believer in the importance of being kind, polite and showing understanding towards others. It takes absolutely nothing to use your manners, ask someone how are they or even just smile. Just doing something as simple as using your manners can turn someones day around. You will be surprised at the difference it will make to the people you're dealing with.

For this post I have compiled a few quotes that I have come across that I like, that motivate me or that I think are just some nice things to hear (or in this case read) on occasion.

~ “I’ve been absolutely terrified every moment of my life – and I’ve never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do.” – Georgia O’Keeffe

~ “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” – Dalai Lama

~ “Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed.” – Dale Carnegie

~ “Be somebody who makes everyone feel like a somebody”

~ “Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.” – T.H. Thompson and John Watson

~ “We can’t help everyone, but everyone can help someone.” – Ronald Reagan

~ “You must do the things you think you cannot do” – Eleanor Roosevelt

~ "Your mood should not dictate your manners."

And please, please, please remember that bringing someone else down will not make you any happier. So whenever possible be kind and encourage people, not only when things are rough but when praise and appreciate their success too. It costs nothing and it may even make you feel a little happier also!

I don't own the lovely picture above and didn't crate any of the quotes used, where I have known who did I have written that next to the quote. For a few of them I didn't know.

I hope you are well, I hope people have been kind to you and I hope to see you around this blog again!

If you have any stories of perhaps participating in an act of kindness or receiving an act of kindness that you want to share - please do below! 

x