What's Left To Lose?

Have you ever been in a situation where you have this one big thing that you dread happening? The one thing that you think to yourself if it happened everything would fall apart, your world would be upside down and you don't know how you would be okay?

I think we all have something, or at least something similar. 

Well this thing happened to me. A while ago now, perhaps almost a year.. And it wasn't as bad as I thought. I had nightmares, I was completely alone, isolated and miserable.... For a while... But things slowly picked up. No, I slowly picked up. I realised that what had happened was the best thing that could have happened. I was a much, much stronger person. I was more me than I'd ever been. I was free and hopeful and happy. 

My "worst" situation had happened and I'd not only survived but come out the other side better and happier than before. I'd lost a lot but I'd gained a lot in myself.

And then it happened again. Not exactly the same... Not as intense but again. All over again it felt like everything was shattering down around me. This time wasn't as catastrophic as the last but it's been much, much more damaging. 

None of this is in reference to a break up and I don't want sympathy or anything similar, I just need a place to get my thoughts straight. 

This time I feel like I've not only lost everything from the past but everything from the new, happy, hopeful life I'd been building. Even though it's an insane generalisation I do honestly feel like my hope as been taken. I had worked so, so hard to get back to being a person who could let themselves hope for good things to happen and not live in constant fear that it would be taken away by someone. After all, my past was in the past, right? I was free now. I was free to be me and to be happy and to want things and strive for things but it turns out I wasn't exactly. 

I had one huge symbol of hope and achievement that I was working towards. Something to symbolise that I was free from not only living how other people wanted me to but living in fear of them. And then it was taken away. But not taken away by unfortunate circumstances or uncontrollable events. But from someone who I never, ever, in a million years thought would do something like that.

Someone who I'd even confided in about how terrified I was and how poorly I was treated before and how happy I was to not live like that - to have my life as my own. Now It feels like it's all happening again by someone I'd trusted with my past. Will I ever get to have my life without someone else choosing how it goes? Without someone else taking my hope?

I am literally scared to have the prospect of good things happening to me or in my life because every time they have, they have been taken away. Usually by someone I've trusted. 

I am angry. No, I am beyond angry. Sometimes the memory of it will just creep into my mind unexpectedly and if I let myself think about it I will start shaking with anger. Party at these people for what's happened, but mostly at myself for letting it happen. Especially again. I knew better. I know better... But I'm too scared to do anything about it.

But now I'm stuck. I'm stuck in this odd mind frame. I lost 'everything' and built back up but then I lost everything I built back up. What's left to lose?

I've lost what I had hoped for. My idea of being free, happy and hopeful. Not only because I lost my huge symbolic gesture of expressing it but I've lost the energy to keep trying for it. It will only be taken away again, right? That's the pattern.

So now I'm back. I'm right back at the start. I'm alone, isolated, miserable and now hopeless.

I've had a headache for two weeks and counting, I struggle to leave the house because I get panic attacks out of no where, I cannot sleep without having nightmares about people and I constantly feel like I'm either going to faint or vomit. 

I don't think they realise what they've taken from me. I don't think anyone really does, all they see is the symbol. But something like this is something I can't seem to forgive. 

I have no one. And I really don't trust anyone either. How sad that a laptop is quite literally all I can confide in to try to sort out my thoughts. 

Exam Study Tips and Halloween Photo Diary

Hi

I haven't post anything for quite awhile and this is due to the excellent experience of Exam Time. Yes, I've been sitting at home trying to remember 6 months of study within a week. Some may read this and think that it would be easy to go over what you've already learnt within a week, that's heaps of time! and yes, it is a fair amount of time but it's also very difficult when you're sitting at home looking at books on statistics when you'd literally rather be doing... well.. anything else. Suddenly house chores become important and you're on your hands and knees scrubbing tiles which you haven't done since last exam period.

But not anymore! Because, I, the queen of procrastination (can you guess that I'm meant to be studying right now?) have some tips for you:

1. Start at least a few days before your exam and do little by little. Not only will your study time per day be shorter, but you'll remember more. Research shows that shorter bursts of study are much more effective than long, last minute cramming. Do Short bursts!

2. Give yourself something to look forward to after you've done a certain amount of study. I let myself have a bag of popcorn while watching youtube videos for the rest of the day after i re-watch two lectures. You may want to modify this, but whatever works!

3. If you start trying to read and you find yourself taking nothing in, do something else for five minutes (get the dishes out of the way) and come back to it. 

4. Get enough sleep. The main thing that can bring down someones ability to learn or do well is lack of sleep. Our brains don't function properly if we're sleep deprived. Even if it's the night before the exam, you're better off studying and then stopping in time for you to get at least 7 hours sleep. 

5. Cramming doesn't really work for anything but multiple choice tests. Your brain can only remember so much in a short amount of time. If you have options to jog your memory and you only have to look for an answer that feels familiar... it may help with multiple choice. but if you're doing essay or short answer exams... the earlier you start your study, the better. This also stands for multiple choice, but especially for essay or short answer. 

6. Relate concepts you need to remember to something familiar. For example,  catecholamines are a neurochemical associated with appetite which triggers hunger. I remember this because it has 'cat' at the start and cats are always wanting food and hungry. Ta Da, memory triggered!

But the main thing to take from this is, start early and study a few hours at a time. Also, remember to sleep and you're good!

NOW for those who may want to avoid study all together (me too) here is a little collage of what I've been up to over the last little while:

I've spent my time making halloween cupcakes, going out to dinner, watching people learn to surf and wishing I could swim at the beach and buying MAC make-up to try out. Needless to say, the MAC make-up was the most exciting. Trying out that 'Kylie Jenner - Whirl' colour!

I hope you've been well - I really need to get a posting schedule happening!

P.S. I'm trying out Bondi Sands new Liquid Gold tan tonight. Slightly terrified mixed with excited.

P.P.S. I'm obsessed with pintrest now. If you want to find me: @katieleeft 

Photo Diary (Target Shooting and Pink Hair?!)

Hey Hey!

I thought for this post I may do a little photo diary/snapshot of the past week or so. I love seeing other people's posts like this (because I'm incredibly nosy that way) and thought I'd join in and do something similar just in case there's one other nosy person out there who may enjoy!

This weekend I grabbed my little dog Toby and we travelled three hours north of where I live to visit my parents for the weekend. Most of the weekend was spent doing more sentimental personal things with the family but on Sunday afternoon Dad and I drove out to a farm near by and did some target shooting. 

The day was absolutely beautiful and I managed to pretty much completely miss the target as it kept blowing over. Admittedly having to walk for ages to stand it up again then turn around and see it's been blown right back over does ruin the fun slightly. I have found that some people find this quite an odd thing to do, my Dad does some gun smithing so it's never been odd to me but I find it's not something that everyone takes part in. However, it is lots of fun, I definitely don't hurt animals and who doesn't want to pretend they have a machine gun even if it's only a 22? There is a video of this but I look like an absolute goober so I may pretend that doesn't exist!

The rest of my week has been filled with boring things such as work and exam study. I got my little Toby-Pup a toy box for all his toys and let me tell you: There is nothing cuter than seeing a little dog pick out a toy from a toy box to play with. Unfortunately Toby has a skin infection on his food at the moment so I'm having to jam antibiotics down his throat twice a day for two weeks. He is not loving me for it. Whenever I go to pat him he gets up and moves to the other side of my bed. A little rude if you ask me!

My last exam is on the 2nd of July (two days) and I am so terribly nervous but insanely excited for it to be over and done with so I can breath easily and not feel guilty whenever I'm doing something that isn't studying (which is most of the time including now). 

And last but certainly not least is something I've been tempted to try out with my hair. Which is this:

I've always wanted colourful hair but I've either not been allowed by my parents when I was 14 or I've been far too chicken to actually do it now that I'm 23. But this one washes out extremely fast and the ends of my hair are already lightened:

So I feel as if now may be the time to be the cool kid I always wanted to be and try it out - even if it is just for a day!

Maybe I'll dye my hair and eat pizza as a celebration when my exam is over? Wow. Look at me, living it up.

Slow down Katie, you crazy.

I hope you're well and if you too post any 'photo diary' kind of posts let me know so I can stalk you!

x