honest

i am actually cripplingly sad. and i have no one to talk to. i am completely alone.

could really do with a win or some good news.

What's Left To Lose?

Have you ever been in a situation where you have this one big thing that you dread happening? The one thing that you think to yourself if it happened everything would fall apart, your world would be upside down and you don't know how you would be okay?

I think we all have something, or at least something similar. 

Well this thing happened to me. A while ago now, perhaps almost a year.. And it wasn't as bad as I thought. I had nightmares, I was completely alone, isolated and miserable.... For a while... But things slowly picked up. No, I slowly picked up. I realised that what had happened was the best thing that could have happened. I was a much, much stronger person. I was more me than I'd ever been. I was free and hopeful and happy. 

My "worst" situation had happened and I'd not only survived but come out the other side better and happier than before. I'd lost a lot but I'd gained a lot in myself.

And then it happened again. Not exactly the same... Not as intense but again. All over again it felt like everything was shattering down around me. This time wasn't as catastrophic as the last but it's been much, much more damaging. 

None of this is in reference to a break up and I don't want sympathy or anything similar, I just need a place to get my thoughts straight. 

This time I feel like I've not only lost everything from the past but everything from the new, happy, hopeful life I'd been building. Even though it's an insane generalisation I do honestly feel like my hope as been taken. I had worked so, so hard to get back to being a person who could let themselves hope for good things to happen and not live in constant fear that it would be taken away by someone. After all, my past was in the past, right? I was free now. I was free to be me and to be happy and to want things and strive for things but it turns out I wasn't exactly. 

I had one huge symbol of hope and achievement that I was working towards. Something to symbolise that I was free from not only living how other people wanted me to but living in fear of them. And then it was taken away. But not taken away by unfortunate circumstances or uncontrollable events. But from someone who I never, ever, in a million years thought would do something like that.

Someone who I'd even confided in about how terrified I was and how poorly I was treated before and how happy I was to not live like that - to have my life as my own. Now It feels like it's all happening again by someone I'd trusted with my past. Will I ever get to have my life without someone else choosing how it goes? Without someone else taking my hope?

I am literally scared to have the prospect of good things happening to me or in my life because every time they have, they have been taken away. Usually by someone I've trusted. 

I am angry. No, I am beyond angry. Sometimes the memory of it will just creep into my mind unexpectedly and if I let myself think about it I will start shaking with anger. Party at these people for what's happened, but mostly at myself for letting it happen. Especially again. I knew better. I know better... But I'm too scared to do anything about it.

But now I'm stuck. I'm stuck in this odd mind frame. I lost 'everything' and built back up but then I lost everything I built back up. What's left to lose?

I've lost what I had hoped for. My idea of being free, happy and hopeful. Not only because I lost my huge symbolic gesture of expressing it but I've lost the energy to keep trying for it. It will only be taken away again, right? That's the pattern.

So now I'm back. I'm right back at the start. I'm alone, isolated, miserable and now hopeless.

I've had a headache for two weeks and counting, I struggle to leave the house because I get panic attacks out of no where, I cannot sleep without having nightmares about people and I constantly feel like I'm either going to faint or vomit. 

I don't think they realise what they've taken from me. I don't think anyone really does, all they see is the symbol. But something like this is something I can't seem to forgive. 

I have no one. And I really don't trust anyone either. How sad that a laptop is quite literally all I can confide in to try to sort out my thoughts. 

We're Psychic!? | Predicting The Future

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Thrift Shop Style Challenge!

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Make It In A Minute! | Katie VS Shannon

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Adult Colouring?

Hi

So between my new obsession with Teen Wolf and Kingston chocolate biscuits I have found myself really enjoying something that I previously thought was ridiculous. You may have guessed by the title that I'm referring to adult colouring books. 

I never saw the point of them... I figured if you wanted to do some colouring why can't you just buy a normal kids colouring book and some pencils instead of something so intricate. But then at Christmas last year during a family game of secret Santa I won an adult colouring book. My mum then gave me a pack of gel pens and if I'm honest they're the absolute key to the joy of the adult colouring books. Ever since the morning after Christmas Day I was basically obsessed with my gel pens and my adult jungle colouring book. 

The satisfaction of 1. Getting to own gel pens as an adult and 2. Completing something so intricate is brilliant. It's something to occupy you that also gives you a great sense of achievement. Technically I guess it's not much of an achievement but it feels like one and that's all that matters. 

So if you're like me and you maybe sometimes work nights when it gets quiet or are also like me and just like feeling like you've achieved something then I strongly advise trying a colouring book and some gel pens. Watch yourself become obsessed with a colouring book.

The first picture I finished, feel the pride.

But also don't close the book too fast after you've finished a picture or else it will smudge and you'll want to cry. 

Happy colouring!

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